The Pseudo Expat

Once upon a time in radio land (at least in the Philippines) no talent was allowed on the air without being subjected to at least six months of training. This included the stereotypical duties relegated to trainees: the fetching of coffee; the fast food runs (or deliveries for breakfast/lunch/dinner); the categorizing of music; the writing of ad libs, the practicing of said ad libs; the graveyard spinning of 8 tracks (gawd, what are those?!), records (actual vinyl!), CDs, and eventually hard drives. All before even standing near an open mic.

Nowadays, jocks in the Philippines are hired on the basis of their pedigree, i.e. what developed country they’re from that gave them their twang and what face value they have to contribute to the station that is hiring them.Ooh. But I’m getting ahead of myself. Allow me to bite my tongue and hold that thought for a minute.

Let’s go back to me. So I was hired to be a Newscaster in October 1989 and immediately started my training under Tess Canlas. She was one of the last of the Golden Era On Air Staff of 99.5RT in 1989. The station was starting to slip in the ratings. In an attempt to slow its nosedive, management decided to re-format. RT’s image was overhauled from Top 40 to British New Wave overnight.

It didn’t matter to us newbies – myself, my best friend and another girl hired a week before us – we were working in 99.5RT, baby! We went in at least three times a week, sometimes every day, and learned how to read, write, and deliver the news. We trained after school; stayed til late; and woke up the next day excited to do it all over again. “We work at RT,” we’d smile. The kind of smile shared only by those who have become… a part of.

Our routine was simple. Scan the newspapers, pick stories, edit stories using progressive tense, practice reading newscast to each other, practice in front of Tess, head to production room and record self, listen to self, melt in utter humiliation. Day after day after day.

Two months later, I was told I was ready. My phrasing was not quite there; my breathing was not relaxed; my mouth was alternately drying or filling with saliva; my pacing was too fast, too slow, but still, they put me on. It’s the only way one actually learns the rest of what one is supposed to learn – just by doing it. I recorded myself, listened to myself, and cringed at myself after every single newscast.

In true cliche fashion, I still remember my first newscast. It was a dead hour, 2PM, and I chose an interesting story on Drew Barrymore talking about doing drugs while starring in ET. My hands were cold and my pulse was fast but Drew and I made it through.

I made my biggest mistakes during those days. I giggled through an entire newscast because a jock farted next to my arm to break my concentration. Not good. I said, “Guy Forget (Gye Fourget)” for French tennis player “Geeh Fourjay”. Not good. I got lost midway through an article because I couldn’t understand my handwriting. Not good.

Thank God I learned how to concentrate so well that not even a pretend strip tease from a jock could distract me; that I researched and pronounced names and countries and words so well that people would eventually consult me; that I learned how to use a typewriter and, thank God, MS Word.

I got better. Which happens in life when you work hard.

And that’s what saddens me on the rare occasions I turn on the radio these days. I don’t hear hard work. I hear laziness. I hear flying by the seats of pants. I hear twang and no substance. I hear no twang and no substance. I hear nothing. Training these days is about knowing how all the pretty buttons work – when to press them and when not to. And as a listener, I feel insulted. So I don’t bother. Thank God for podcasts.

Lesson: Google breathing, mouth and vocal exercises to warm up your tongue and lips so you learn how not to swallow your words. Little tricks like rubber lips (expelling air through your closed lips) and the vowel-only exercise (recite Mary Had a Little Lamb without the consonants) are simple but effective. Record yourself and critique yourself and do it again until you get it right. Eventually, the hard work will pay off and you just might get sideline voicing gigs for radio or TV commercials. I did.

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Hope this helps.